In light of the recent allegations leveled against the Queen City’s new mayor, the copywriting department at our Charlotte ad agency took a short break from client work to respond with this satirical and fictional list:*

1. Bribe? I thought they said “do you want a RIDE?”
2. I have always accepted donations to my son’s Scout troop.
3. How can it be a bribe if it came with no strings attached?
4. In Afghanistan, it’s rude to refuse a gift from a stranger.
5. Mayor Foxx and Mayor McCrory took bribes all the time and look where THEY are now.
6. I’m a shapeshifter, and, as such, am not responsible for what my animal form does or does not do.
7. There is no “I” in “team” and there is no “me” in “bribe.”
8. I was accepting bribes as research – to prepare for the upcoming role of Cassius in a local production of Shakespere’s Julius Caesar.
9. Bruton Smith isn’t the kind of man to whom you just say “No.”
10. The Charlotte mayor’s official salary is only $22k a year.

*Satire and parody are important forms of political commentary that rely on blurring the line between truth and outrageousness to mock, needle, and hold public figures accountable. Although they may be offensive and unintentionally injurious, these statements contain constitutionally protected ideas and opinions, provided a reasonable reader would not mistake this list as describing actual facts – WHICH IT DOES NOT.